Good Family Man

That is what I work towards.

How To Deal With Days That Suck

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Today pretty much sucked. To be honest, the last few days have sucked, but today, I was aimless, people were frustrated with me, I was just in a funk.

Some days are just like that. Maybe it isn’t limited to just a day, maybe it’s an entire week. You’ve got to be okay with that. Let it be. There isn’t anything wrong with days or weeks sucking. You have to realize it isn’t always going to suck. When I get into a funk, I use it. I use it to work towards something. I use it to get back to where I need to be. To make sure I’m on the right track.

It can be frustrating at times, but don’t let that derail where you’re going and how you’re getting there for too long. Yep, I said too long. It is going to derail you and that is okay too. You’re going to have those days, you’re going to be down, frustrated, and annoyed just like anyone else. Heck, maybe more than everyone else. Not forever though, and that is the point. When you get into a funk. Ride the funk for a bit, then move on and use the funk to steer you back to where you need to be. It’s pretty easy – just head directly away from the funk and you’re back on track.

Weather you know where you’re going, you only have a vague idea, or you have no clue at all, use the funk to get  you back on the right path. The following 3 steps have helped me plenty of times before, they should help you too:

  1. Identify the funk.
  2. Ride the funk, then work through it.
  3. Head the opposite direction of the funk.

Then you’re back on track. Just work towards quickly identifying and working through the funk so you’re not spending a whole lot of time in the funk.

How do you deal with your funk and the days that suck?

Get Out Of The House!

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I’m sitting here, in a coffee shop, writing. First time doing it too. Before now I never understood why someone would come to a place that is loud, with plenty of other people around, to get something done. My perspective was wrong. It isn’t about getting something done, well in the end it is, but the reason I’m here is for a change of environment.

Recently I left my job of 11 years and I’ve taken the last month off from doing pretty much anything except what I really wanted to. Side note – thankfully my wife is awesome, and has allowed me to do this with no complaints. Actually she has been one of the biggest forces keeping me from going straight back into work. The past month has been extraordinary, weird, stressful, fun, exciting, disappointing, and most of all revealing.

Revealing

Revealing in that I have really gotten to do everything I had thought I wanted to do but couldn’t for the past 11 years. I’ve found out there are things I wanted to do that I really don’t like and there are things that I had no idea that I would like.

Disappointing

Disappointing because I should have done this SO much sooner, I have wasted a lot of my time.

Exciting & Fun

Exciting and fun, well that one is easy, I’ve had free reign to do whatever I wanted.

Stressful

Stressful – yeah, it has been stressful. My brain has been so used to heads down elbows up hard work for the past 11 years. That stopped immediately. It took me a good while to get over that. Actually, I’m pretty sure I didn’t get over it completely. I think I’ve created work for myself to fill the void that was left. The stress is mostly gone though. Mostly because I still think about what needs to be done soon. I can’t be a stay at home dad forever.

Weird

This experience has been weird because for the past month I’ve been in situations that I have never in my life been in. I’ve had to go on interviews. I’ve had to convince people that I’m worth it to be hired to be on their teams. I’ve been turned down for jobs. All of this is very foreign to me. I’ve always done things in a very laid back manner and have been lucky for it to work out in my benefit. Now, I want to go make something of myself, to go where I want to. Not just where the next thing leads.

It has all be extremely extraordinary because I’ve be allows to discover and realize all of this. I’ve had the support and lots of goading from my family. I didn’t believe that I was actually allowed to do all of this. My family did some hard work to convince me that it was okay for it to happen.

Oh, geeze, that was quite a tangent. It was necessary though. I’m now able to tell you this story because all of this has happened. I’m able to do so in a coffee shop, because I’m comfortable enough to create the story anywhere. I also needed to come to the coffee shop because I’m tired of working at home. Yep, I’m working. This is part of what I want to do with The Good Family Man. I want to tell these stories in the hope that it helps you.

Sometimes You Just Have to Get Out

Aside from a couple of great days in the mountains, I’ve been working at the same desk that I’ve had for years. Sitting at the same chair. Trying out new things. Trying to write in new ways. I needed to get out of the house. So I did. Doing so has changed my perspective. It really did let me create the previous half of this article. The only thing I did was hop on my bike and peddle over to the local coffee shop, have a cup and some quiche and start writing.

The point of this story (epic, diatribe?) is to get out of the house. Change the habit. Try something different, somewhere different. Even if all you do is sit in a chair in the back yard, you’re going to see and feel things differently.

By the way, I’m not at a Starbucks, I’m at a local, small place that is in my neighborhood. Not that Starbucks is awful or anything, I give them plenty of my money. But, I do like giving to local businesses, especially ones that are in my neighborhood.

What And How You Do Things Really Does Matter

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I’m hope you know this. If you do or don’t I still need to say it. What you do and how you do it really does matter.

I’m Sara’s (my wife) best friend, and she is mine:

  • She wants to spend time with me, so I make time to spend with her.
  • She takes on my problems & feelings, even if I ask her not to. So, I try to be mindful of the way I respond to things.
  • She knows when I’m not happy, and can sense when things aren’t “all good”.
  • We enjoy just being in the vicinity of each other.

See, I really am her best friend, I have proof:

Even more proof!

Aidan specifically & kids in general are the most perceptive little beings on the planet:

  • Aidan knows when I’m there or not.
  • He knows when I show up to one of his events.
  • He notices when I make and effort, or don’t.
  • He keeps track of me – probably better than I do.
  • He knows what kind of a mood I’m in.

Anyhow, the point of all of this, is that we have an affect on the people around us. Even more of an affect on our loved ones. So make a conscious effort to think about how you do things. Because what you do and the way you do it really does make a difference.

Please Don’t Say You Didn’t Have Time

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Please, don’t say “I didn’t have time”.

Instead say “I didn’t make time”.

The change in the way you think about your time and weather you have it or you make it is huge. It changes they way you prioritize the thing you want to spend your time on. When you think about making time for things you plan to do the things you need and want to do. The other things will work out. Those commitments and the things that have to get done will get done. But, you need to make sure to plan for the things that are important to you.

This story from Stephen Covey’s First Things First habit is a great illustration of making time.

One day this expert was speaking to a group of business students and, to drive home a point, used an illustration I’m sure those students will never forget. After I share it with you, you’ll never forget it either.

As this man stood in front of the group of high-powered over-achievers he said, “Okay, time for a quiz.” Then he pulled out a one-gallon, wide-mouthed mason jar and set it on a table in front of him. Then he produced about a dozen fist-sized rocks and carefully placed them, one at a time, into the jar.

When the jar was filled to the top and no more rocks would fit inside, he asked, “Is this jar full?” Everyone in the class said, “Yes.” Then he said, “Really?” He reached under the table and pulled out a bucket of gravel. Then he dumped some gravel in and shook the jar causing pieces of gravel to work themselves down into the spaces between the big rocks.

Then he smiled and asked the group once more, “Is the jar full?” By this time the class was onto him. “Probably not,” one of them answered. “Good!” he replied. And he reached under the table and brought out a bucket of sand. He started dumping the sand in and it went into all the spaces left between the rocks and the gravel. Once more he asked the question, “Is this jar full?”

“No!” the class shouted. Once again he said, “Good!” Then he grabbed a pitcher of water and began to pour it in until the jar was filled to the brim. Then he looked up at the class and asked, “What is the point of this illustration?”

One eager beaver raised his hand and said, “The point is, no matter how full your schedule is, if you try really hard, you can always fit some more things into it!”

“No,” the speaker replied, “that’s not the point. The truth this illustration teaches us is: If you don’t put the big rocks in first, you’ll never get them in at all.”

What are the big rocks in your life? A project that you want to accomplish? Time with your loved ones? Your faith, your education, your finances? A cause? Teaching or mentoring others? Remember to put these Big Rocks in first or you’ll never get them in at all.

First Things First – Dr. Stephen R. Covey

Make sure you’re creating the right priorities for your family and your life. In other words make the time for the important things.

5 Little Things You Can Do to Be a Better Dad

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Here are five things you can start doing to be a better dad.

  1. Stop and listen
  2. Be the bad guy
  3. Do what they want to, when they want to do it
  4. Don’t solve the problem for them
  5. Put the device down
  6. Tuck them in

Stop and listen

When Aidan wants my attention, even if I’m in the office working, I’ll stop what I’m doing, look at him and listen to what he has to say. Now, I’m not perfect I don’t do this every time (I wish I did). He is also 11, so sometimes I need to interrupt the story he’s telling me about a baseball game he is playing on the Xbox to tell him that I have work I need to get finished. Doing this lets him know that I care about him and what he has to say. It also provides the opportunity to let him know when it isn’t the right time to try and grab someone’s attention.

Be the bad guy

Yep, it sucks, I hate doing it, but I have to let Aidan fail and deal with the consequences of that failure. More often that not I can’t help but feel like a big a-hole for doing it too. I do it because it will teachhim to stand up for himself, and that he is going to fail, bad things will happen, but it isn’t the end of the world.

I love and hate this quote at the same time.

That is what it means to be a parent – to teach your child to live without you. – Nicole Krauss

Do what they want to do, when and how the want to do it

Every now-and-then I’ll play Halo with Aidan. It used to be that I would be the better video game player. Not any more. Being a competitive personality it is very difficult for me to lose especially to an 11 year old. But I’ll let him school me all day, because he enjoys it. Not just the pure domination of him repeatedly blowing me away, but it provides me the opportunity to ask him questions and get him to teach me something. A skill that I know will serve him well int he future.

Don’t solve the problem for them

Similar to letting Aidan school me in Halo, I’ll let him doing things his way, even if I know a better way or that his way won’t work. He needs to fail, figure out where he went wrong and then fix that misstep. That is the only way he’ll become a better, more self-sufficient person.

Put the device down

For a long time I was distracted. Emails, status updates, things I needed to do and see. I couldn’t miss a thing. My face was always down in my phone reading what others were doing or what they needed me to do. That is fine when you’re working, but you can’t always be working. Take the time to disable your email alerts, turn off Facebook, or better yet, turn off the device entirely. I go the jitters the first few times I did it. It took some getting used to. But, when everything didn’t burn down and the world kept spinning without me there to make sure that was happening, a great thing happened. I got to present in the moment and enjoy the things that were going on right then.

One more little thing – you don’t have to take pictures of everything. Take a few photos, then put the phone/camera away. You’ll enjoy what you are doing more, and then you’ll have actual memories when you look back at those photos.

Tuck them in

The last thing is to tuck them in at night, at least when they are young. Luckily Aidan still let’s my wife and me tuck him in at night. It is a great thing to give him a hug and kiss and tell him to sleep fast every time you can. I’m sure for Aidan it is a comforting thing to know that that will happen every night.

Come On, Get Healthy. It’s Easy.

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No, really, it is.

If you’re like me, you’re overweight. If you’re not, congratulations, you’re ahead of the game!

Me, I need to lose weight, but not as much as I used to. That’s because I found something I enjoy doing that gets me moving. Nope, it’s not P90X, it isn’t running marathons, and it isn’t joining a gym. It’s easy, not stressful (it is actually calming), and it is free. It has also lost me 15 pounds over the last 3 months. You know what it is? Walking. I go for a walk for an hour a day. I haven’t really changed my eating habits, I haven’t started taking supplements, I just walk.

For me walking does lots of things:

  • Gives me alone time – I’ve gotten plenty of podcast listening in.
  • It puts me first, because I’m working on my health – I’ve said before I suck at this.
  • It gets me outside – sitting in front of a computer all day ain’t good.
  • I get to explore my neighborhood – I also get to meet my neighbors.
  • Gives me something I make time for each day – this actually help me plan the rest of my day too.

What is important is that you find something that you enjoy. I enjoy walking because of the list above and many other reasons. Go try it, maybe you’ll love it too. If you don’t, try something else.

Tip: One thing that has helped me since I’m fairly competitive is my Fitbit. I have the Zip (it was the cheapest). It gives me something to shoot for each day and week, and provides a little competition with my friends and family.

Some additional reading for you:

Do This For Your Wife As Soon As Possible

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The next time you see your wife, walk up to her, grab her, look her in the eyes and tell her you think she is the most beautiful thing on the planet.

Your wife needs to know that you love her, that you still think about her, and that you want her.

Make this a regular, special thing. Don’t do it everyday, or do, it’s up to you, but make it special. Something that surprises her. You can change it up, send her a text, a letter, a post card, a facebook post, or a dancing monkey with a sign – the point is show her you’re thinking about her.

Now go do it! Don’t think about it, just go do it…NOW!

3 Things That Will Make You Better

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Being a good husband and father is a never ending process. There are a few things I try to keep in mind that help.

First, I try to not say “I don’t have time”. Instead I say “I didn’t make time”. It changes the way I think about things. It forces me to prioritize my time and how I want to spend it.

Second, I put me first. I suck at this one. I’m always making sure everyone around me is “okay” before I do anything for me. When I do that I rarely relax and that has a bad affect on my mood and decisions.

Finally, be present, now. I’m enjoying the cup of coffee I’m drinking, I laugh at the silly jokes my son tells me & I enjoy the meals I eat with my wife. It matters, when I think about the next thing I need to do or the work that hasn’t been finished, I miss important moments and my family doesn’t get all of me.

Like I said I try to keep these in mind. It is very difficult, especially when there are deadlines, and stress, and too much to do.